Words

I find myself utterly lost in thought and for words today.

It was 24 years ago- around this time that I was assaulted.

Words are just words I know that. The hold that they have over me is both minute and infinite at the same time.

You see words are just words. I know. You know.
But when words mirror horrific actions that even an entire lifetime away I’m trying to shake off- that I’ve been trying to shake off.
Most days it’s just a dim candle in a far off room at the back of my mind.
And other days it’s everything. It permeates every brainwave like an endless stream of noise.
It won’t go away. It’s always there small or large.
It’s my greatest contributor to strength reminding me how incredibly strong and untouchable my spirit is.
I love despite pains. I can still be a mother a wife a friend.
I can lead with a light of love.

However it’s also the greatest contributor to my weakness. The thing that makes my heart beat too fast sometimes. The thing that makes me look at my daughters outfits twice wondering what some terrible thing will have in mind looking at one of the best things in my world. Same with my son.
I see these pure beings and remember my own innocence and I truly hope that it’s theirs to hold- not somebody’s to take.

It’s the thing that makes me want to shout from every mountain top “we must do better we must be better”

And it’s the thing that makes me retreat into a shuddering silence where I cannot Muster an appetite or a smile.
Only a tear.

The photo commenting on- was much like the outfit I’d been wearing that day.
Floral. Happy. My smile it’s usual welcoming self.
And those words on that photo so much remind me of the actions that day 24 years ago.
Actually. They mirror it.

I want to retreat. I want to hide.
I feel like I shouldn’t even show my face because that’s only going to be asking for such words.

But that’s not true- and I know it.
So tonight I post this.
And I know that I’ve won. In some way.
Because here is my voice loud and clear.
We must do better. We must be better.
I did not invite this. I do not invite this. I will never invite it.
I am still good. I am still trying to lead with love.

I am hurt and set back- to a room I shouldn’t have ever gone in.
Transported to a time I am often transported to.
But now. I do know. That I can get out. I do know the way.

 

Things I have eaten recently!

I guess it’s time for an update on things that I have stuffed in my pie hole!

Firstly, this is a recipe that one my keto buddies recommended me. I looked at the recipe in disdain as it looked like a pain in the damned ass.
And honestly – it is NOT the easiest thing I have made but it’s so delicious it’s worth the trouble.

https://theprimitivepalate.com/2015/01/25/keto-garlic-gnocchi/

10/10 would make again and again. The first time I topped it with my famous bacon/kale sauté. The last time I made simple butter/thyme/garlic/lemon sauce.

I really like both ways and do believe I’ll be making some form of these each Sunday.

Now in Keto of course a huge issue is getting the macros to work out. With all the years on MyFitnessPal I have been told “protein, protein, protein” and this diet is like “whoa bro no more protein”

I make a lot of on the fly butter/cream sauces to throw on my chicken.

https://www.ibreatheimhungry.com/2014/01/easy-chicken-paprika-w-sour-cream-gravy-low-carb-gluten-free.html

Is a great recipe that I used several times last week? And maybe licked the plate? Anyways. recipes like this help. Again the huge challenge for me is the fact that I am the only one doing Keto in my house.

http://hip2save.com/2017/08/23/low-carb-olive-garden-zuppa-toscana-soup-keto-friendly-recipe/

Meal prep is important in Keto. What are you going have for lunch? This recipe is macro friendly, delicious and filling.

A friend suggested trying it with bacon, Brussels sprouts and red onion. And I think I will play around with that some weekend very soon.

Here’s another meal prep recipe. Great for lunches SO delicious that I honestly didn’t want to stop eating it when I ran out!

https://lowcarbyum.com/bacon-cheddar-broccoli-salad/

Just sensational. I ended up omitting the onions. I honestly don’t enjoy onions enough for the carbs. Don’t skip the sunflower seeds though, because it’s a super tasty addition.

 

Another tasty hack is I will take some heavy cream dump it in my kitchen aide and add a box of sugar free jello pudding until it’s a desired thick tasty cream.

I’ve tried the Sugar free cheesecake and the sugar free pistachio. LOVED the pistachio most.

I am going to make it my goal to try at least 2 new recipes a week. So the soup was a recipe this week- guess I need another!

 

Me too

As a parent we somewhat martyrize ourselves.
Many times I’ve said “what happened was terrible and it still kills me inside- but I will take that any day rather than know my kids will”
I will do anything and everything in my power to stop them from being in the way of harm. It’s what parents did. It’s what all of our parents did before us as well. I think every decade or so the values change the “things we are trying to protect our babies From” change.
My perfect beautiful baby girl is almost 11.
I was 14 when what happened to me happened.
I am running out of time.
I look at her face and I see my own youth and innocence and I wonder why. I wonder how.
All these years later 20 years later it does not seem fair to me.
But I’m so glad. I’m so glad that I can tell my daughter. That instead of some news story she cannot relate to she understands that even these dark things happen to people like mommy.
How do I say it? Even my husband a very good man- really does not like to hear this story. It’s his wife. Part of the strength of his house. The woman he goes to for comfort, love and whatever else.

I posted “me too” on Facebook and for a moment I thought “oh gosh I should be embarrassed maybe I should not have posted that”
And I realized I shouldn’t be shamed. I shouldn’t be embarrassed. I’ve been far, far too long. The shame goes on others- or it should. Maybe they don’t live with the cloud of their actions over their heads like I do.
I’ve always quietly languished in this pain- opening up when I felt it was safe.
But at this point it’s of utmost importance that this opening up becomes not just when I feel comfortable. I need to find a way to be loud. To be honest. To try to heal others. To try to do everything in my power to make sure that I don’t raise a victim(though they may end up being so and I need to help them in that case too).
I need to raise my son and daughter both to know they don’t take a thing from another person that person doesn’t want to give. I need to raise them to defend themselves both physically and emotionally.
As you watch the number of people with the status of “me too” think about how you can fix it. What is your part?
I’m truly trying to figure out my own.
Looking at the News.. these abuses they do not discriminate.
Every strong sensational woman I see has her own story.
It’s time to change that story and have a real talk.
I’ll gladly take my pain- in thoughts I can stop that in anybody from hurting.

But let’s try. Let’s do what we can.
So that in 20 years. Our children aren’t on Facebook or it’s counterpart.

Posting “me too”

Update

So it’s been a while since I have posted. You know how sometimes you have too many passwords? I had too many! I couldn’t remember how to get into here.

Finally like a light switch went off in my head and here I am.

So I have taken myself out of Ketosis on a few occasions. Two being tailgates for football games- I do not feel bad about it. I enjoy this diet but there are times when you just want to live your life as you want to live it.

PLUS I cannot imagine tailgate beer without something more thank kale and heavy cream sitting in my belly.

I am losing some weight I guess. The scale still doesn’t show as much movement as I would like but that’s ok. I have also taken some HORRIBLE before and afters that looked almost like a before and before.

As usual the only real problem I have with this diet other than the fact I am not wearing a size 4 yet (COME ON IT’S BEEN LIKE SO LONG!) is that the boredom is a factor. So I have been searching around for some new recipes..

Below is a recipe I am VERY excited to try out next week.

I have a night out with a girlfriend tomorrow at a local brewery type place. ALL my favorite beers are dark and carby. I will take myself out of Ketosis tomorrow night and then I will be hard and heavy until Thanksgiving.

I am actually happy that as much as I love all holiday food it’s not totally necessary to me.

Slow Cooker Low Carb Zuppa Toscana Soup (Keto-Friendly)