Words

I find myself utterly lost in thought and for words today.

It was 24 years ago- around this time that I was assaulted.

Words are just words I know that. The hold that they have over me is both minute and infinite at the same time.

You see words are just words. I know. You know.
But when words mirror horrific actions that even an entire lifetime away I’m trying to shake off- that I’ve been trying to shake off.
Most days it’s just a dim candle in a far off room at the back of my mind.
And other days it’s everything. It permeates every brainwave like an endless stream of noise.
It won’t go away. It’s always there small or large.
It’s my greatest contributor to strength reminding me how incredibly strong and untouchable my spirit is.
I love despite pains. I can still be a mother a wife a friend.
I can lead with a light of love.

However it’s also the greatest contributor to my weakness. The thing that makes my heart beat too fast sometimes. The thing that makes me look at my daughters outfits twice wondering what some terrible thing will have in mind looking at one of the best things in my world. Same with my son.
I see these pure beings and remember my own innocence and I truly hope that it’s theirs to hold- not somebody’s to take.

It’s the thing that makes me want to shout from every mountain top “we must do better we must be better”

And it’s the thing that makes me retreat into a shuddering silence where I cannot Muster an appetite or a smile.
Only a tear.

The photo commenting on- was much like the outfit I’d been wearing that day.
Floral. Happy. My smile it’s usual welcoming self.
And those words on that photo so much remind me of the actions that day 24 years ago.
Actually. They mirror it.

I want to retreat. I want to hide.
I feel like I shouldn’t even show my face because that’s only going to be asking for such words.

But that’s not true- and I know it.
So tonight I post this.
And I know that I’ve won. In some way.
Because here is my voice loud and clear.
We must do better. We must be better.
I did not invite this. I do not invite this. I will never invite it.
I am still good. I am still trying to lead with love.

I am hurt and set back- to a room I shouldn’t have ever gone in.
Transported to a time I am often transported to.
But now. I do know. That I can get out. I do know the way.

 

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