Hard time for survivors

Last night my husband all night kept asking me what was wrong. He said as soon as he walked in the door I had a scowl on my face.

And finally I said told the truth. “I Just can’t deal with what’s going on in the news- it’s too much and I don’t know what to do”

And then I went up to bed. And I layed there and remembered the text chain he has with his friends. I don’t really care for this group of men- and their thoughts on politics that he shares with me always reconfirm that.

So I asked him “Do you guys talk about this? What are they saying? Are they calling them liars?”

He assured me that they don’t bring it up and I just completely broke down. Telling my story again. Reminding him we had to move. Telling him every horrible detail not about the event but the aftermath.

He kind of just stared. He really isn’t equipped to deal with these things- especially in instances he can’t help.
He can’t save me- it happened.

He can’t make me feel better. He just has to watch as the woman he loves is torn apart again by something he couldn’t stop.

He has to watch as she tells him whenever she sees that face on the television it’s not HIS face she sees. It’s somebody else.

He has to know that she is right now in a prison that she can’t get out of. And that she is so drawn into the sadness and wreckage of her heart that she cannot stop. She says she won’t watch the news but she does. And when she doesn’t she furiously refreshes CNN on her phone.

She knows that it’s got to stop. She keeps hoping some moment will come and perhaps a catharsis will happen. That maybe there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Not for her specifcally.  But for all of the survivors. Somebody honestly anybody really getting what is due.

I used to fantasize about writing him a letter. Telling him how good my life has been. Telling him that I was and always have been unaffected.

I have sense changed my mind.

I started writing him a letter this week. And instead of painting my life like a perfect picture I told him what he did.

I told him how much it destroyed me and set me on a path toward self destruction I would have not been on otherwise ( I don’t think).

I told him I don’t hate him and I do wish him well (thanks to a wonderful and wise  friend for that) but I do hate the society who let it happen and let him get away with it and succeed beyond a normal citizen. I tell him that I hate the society who consistently let’s these things happen.

I told him that I didn’t even KNOW that people did what he forced me to do- and I still really can’t. Which makes me kind of an incomplete partner.

I told him- I am finally  at peace and I hope he is as well. But he has to know what he did and that he had no right.

I can’t stop looking at this train wreck. I can’t stop seeing my own.

And that’s why it’s a hard time to be a survivor. Because you don’t ever actually get done with the hard part . Because when it is everywhere you are having to survive all over again.

No- this does not define me. I don’t think I let it, but it is part of me and my story. Yes- I at times let it consume me more than it should. I realize I deal with things in a completely different manner.

Maybe I keep watching, because every now and then we see somebody charged. Every now and then if you pay enough attention some man’s life is ruined as it should be for such things.

And even as I sit here typing this. I FEEL better. I feel better for saying these things. I feel better for even typing out that it is very tough out here for some of us survivors.

Why we don’t speak up right away…

To make one thing clear- I never wanted my story told when I was a freshman in High School. I never wanted people to know that the It junior on campus had sexually assaulted me in a small office in the high school ( I still see this office every day). After I ran out of that room crying I paid my best friend $5.00 for a piece of gum. I don’t know why? I had to have it. To this day of that whole period that is one action that makes the least sense.

I didn’t even KNOW that people did that. WHY would they want to do that? I sure didn’t want to do that.

Being honest- I still really don’t but that’s another bag o’worms.

I told my two best friends. I made them swear not to tell anybody. I didn’t understand had happened and I certainly didn’t understand why. I didn’t want anybody to know.

By happenstance this man- had hit on one of my best friends. She’d already told her boyfriend what happened to me.

I’m not sure why she did. Young me was stupid to think she wouldn’t. But what did know.

One day (about a month after the incident) my teacher pulled me aside. Told me that my friend was very worried about be- because he’d heard this story. So- I came clean. I told my story.

Then I had to tell my principal. Who later called my parents and they came and got me.

I remember sitting in that fucking office.

I remember the principal saying “the school cannot punish him- it was on school grounds and if we did we would have to punish her as well”
I still hate that man. He could have stood up. He could have done SOMETHING he could have done ANYTHING but he did NOTHING.

We tried to take the case to the district attorney. But. They were all family friends. I wish I was kidding.

Every time I tried to speak up – a door was slammed in my face. I was called a liar. I was called a slut. I was called a goody goody. Or I was called what he called me when I didn’t want to be sexually assaulted “Frigid” .

Everything that I was called is nothing that I am.

A lot of the things I was called- I spent years and years trying to embody but in my own terms. Or I dumbly put myself in even worse situations but knowing they were worse. So at least I could have some control or ownership of the pain. At least I KNEW I’d caused it right or wrong.

The way I was treated- actually my family as a whole.. It was so bad that my dad applied for a job at a different tower and we moved out of the state. Far away from it all.

But we packed that pain and brought it with us. And for me it’s always been a box lingering in the attic. Like a dead persons things that you don’t want to go through -but know you should.

Our lives changed forever because I even TRIED to tell my story (when I didn’t even want to) and nothing came of it.

There was no justice for him in this choice in his life.

The next year- he was president of the senior class.

And this is how society works. No matter what the man is the stud. No matter what the woman is either a slut or a liar. Maybe even both.

That is my perspective.

That’s why we don’t talk.
That’s why we wait. That’s why some of us never say a word.

He’s now a doctor. Married to a lawyer. Very active in the community.

And I cannot even fathom what would happen if I tried to come out with this story again. What would happen. How I’d be treated. I have put myself in the shoes of these women in the news now. Imagining how scared they must be. Brilliant educated women still brought back to a moment they wish to scour away.

And I admire the strength they have. The strength I had whether I wanted it or not.

A very non Keto Thanksgiving!

 

 

 

So last week I found the biggest pitfalls of a trip to see family on the keto diet.

 

Being a guest. I can’t lie. I have never enjoyed being a guest anywhere. That sounds awful and I truly don’t mean it to. I don’t like to be served. I don’t like the lack of control.

Keto is easy because I do all the shopping and all the cooking at home. So I make my meals- and if necessary another alternate meal for my family.

But a guest? I am either A. A rude asshole or B. Eating carbs.

It started simply.

On the drive there we needed to eat. I googled “fast food and keto diet” and was super excited for a bunless bacon cheeseburger from Wendy’s. As it happened when we found the exit we did not find the Wendy’s. Of all the places we could end up.

We ended up at…

Wait for it.

A SUBWAY.

Firstly. I REALLY do not like Subway. Secondly… It’s sandwiches.

So I found the least carby thing I could think of- a flatbread sandwich. Immediately I felt gigantic. Of course that was purely in my mind but you get the idea.

The next morning my mother in law kindly offered the same old sugary coffee creamer. I said no thank you and put in heavy cream.

My husband offered to grab me a bagel from the good New Jersey bagel place (??? I don’t get this a bagel is a bagel) and just asked for bacon.
I don’t think my mother in law realized I’d be eating all six pieces of bacon she made!

I actually did well even that night when we ordered Chinese. Stuck with pancakeless moo shoo pork. Now mayyyybe I snuck few little crunchies. Or maybe a bite of my son’s eggroll!

But still- I did pretty well. Of course I think it was helped by the fact that I still felt like crap from having what felt like a huge amount of bread the day before.
At this point I was still convinced that I could pull Thanksgiving off.

Then I started to smell something that night.

Stuffing? What? What is this? I don’t think I have ever liked stuffing. But it smelled amazing.

I woke up Thanksgiving to a huge smile as there was a big old plate of sausage! Obviously I ate more than my fair share. But everybody else had bagels again. Or the cookies they’d been eating.

That’s all I ate until Thanksgiving dinner.

I munched on turkey skin before the meal. Placed some turkey on my plate. A little gravy. Some of the broccoli. A huge pile of stuffing. That might have been the first time EVER I put a whole bunch of stuffing on my plate.
It was delicious. I ate all that then added a little of my mother in laws great cranberry salad. Orange-pineapple- nuts- Jello. ALL the good things.  At this point- I’d said ohhhh well.

Of course there was wine with dinner (the only alcohol I’d had from Tuesday- Sunday) and finally when it was time for dessert I just had to have the pumpkin cheesecake with pecans on top.

The next day- was “pizza night” a huge thing with his family as his mother makes quite good pizza.

Pizza is not something that’s my favorite but I do really enjoy hers.

Then dessert.
You get the idea. After Thanksgiving I’d said “Fuck it” and made the most of a keto vacation.
Got home… looked at a Keto strip and of course I was completely out of ketosis.
I felt like crap. Bloated.

That Sunday my #1 goal was to get back into ketosis. So I watched what I ate.

I was back into ketosis by the next morning.
What really struck me during my break is how much I actually like my diet. How much it suits what I want to eat.

I really love the in laws. I am thankful for any time spent with friends or family that I care for.

And I was honestly angry at myself for “cheating” but I really did realize that sometimes these things happen.

It took me two days and I am down to my before the trip weight.
I will say that the keto diet really has trained me to eat pretty sensibly – I did eat carbs and they were good but it was not a free for all.

Update

So I have now been doing this diet for over two months.

I have lost a decent amount of weight and I really feel wonderful.

I have cheated a little on a few occasions. My honest to goodness biggest indulgence is GOOD beer. Honestly that is what it is.

Here’s the thing. It started out hard- this diet. It really did. I thought I’d quite after our original cruise date I would stop the diet. I thought after knowing our cruise wasn’t until February I would take a month off of Keto and then go back as the cruise got closer.

But here I am. Still doing it. Still enjoying this diet.

November 8, 2017

You know why? Firstly, I love the food. Secondly… this is it. Photos taken exactly 2 months apart. So as you can see… huge difference. I have been a little lazy on exercise so I am about to ramp that up some. I am about to start lifting again. My goal is that by the time I get to the cruise I have actual abs! Which I have never, ever even at my lowest weight had.

I promise next week I will have something better!!!

September 8, 2017

 

Words

I find myself utterly lost in thought and for words today.

It was 24 years ago- around this time that I was assaulted.

Words are just words I know that. The hold that they have over me is both minute and infinite at the same time.

You see words are just words. I know. You know.
But when words mirror horrific actions that even an entire lifetime away I’m trying to shake off- that I’ve been trying to shake off.
Most days it’s just a dim candle in a far off room at the back of my mind.
And other days it’s everything. It permeates every brainwave like an endless stream of noise.
It won’t go away. It’s always there small or large.
It’s my greatest contributor to strength reminding me how incredibly strong and untouchable my spirit is.
I love despite pains. I can still be a mother a wife a friend.
I can lead with a light of love.

However it’s also the greatest contributor to my weakness. The thing that makes my heart beat too fast sometimes. The thing that makes me look at my daughters outfits twice wondering what some terrible thing will have in mind looking at one of the best things in my world. Same with my son.
I see these pure beings and remember my own innocence and I truly hope that it’s theirs to hold- not somebody’s to take.

It’s the thing that makes me want to shout from every mountain top “we must do better we must be better”

And it’s the thing that makes me retreat into a shuddering silence where I cannot Muster an appetite or a smile.
Only a tear.

The photo commenting on- was much like the outfit I’d been wearing that day.
Floral. Happy. My smile it’s usual welcoming self.
And those words on that photo so much remind me of the actions that day 24 years ago.
Actually. They mirror it.

I want to retreat. I want to hide.
I feel like I shouldn’t even show my face because that’s only going to be asking for such words.

But that’s not true- and I know it.
So tonight I post this.
And I know that I’ve won. In some way.
Because here is my voice loud and clear.
We must do better. We must be better.
I did not invite this. I do not invite this. I will never invite it.
I am still good. I am still trying to lead with love.

I am hurt and set back- to a room I shouldn’t have ever gone in.
Transported to a time I am often transported to.
But now. I do know. That I can get out. I do know the way.

 

Things I have eaten recently!

I guess it’s time for an update on things that I have stuffed in my pie hole!

Firstly, this is a recipe that one my keto buddies recommended me. I looked at the recipe in disdain as it looked like a pain in the damned ass.
And honestly – it is NOT the easiest thing I have made but it’s so delicious it’s worth the trouble.

https://theprimitivepalate.com/2015/01/25/keto-garlic-gnocchi/

10/10 would make again and again. The first time I topped it with my famous bacon/kale sauté. The last time I made simple butter/thyme/garlic/lemon sauce.

I really like both ways and do believe I’ll be making some form of these each Sunday.

Now in Keto of course a huge issue is getting the macros to work out. With all the years on MyFitnessPal I have been told “protein, protein, protein” and this diet is like “whoa bro no more protein”

I make a lot of on the fly butter/cream sauces to throw on my chicken.

https://www.ibreatheimhungry.com/2014/01/easy-chicken-paprika-w-sour-cream-gravy-low-carb-gluten-free.html

Is a great recipe that I used several times last week? And maybe licked the plate? Anyways. recipes like this help. Again the huge challenge for me is the fact that I am the only one doing Keto in my house.

http://hip2save.com/2017/08/23/low-carb-olive-garden-zuppa-toscana-soup-keto-friendly-recipe/

Meal prep is important in Keto. What are you going have for lunch? This recipe is macro friendly, delicious and filling.

A friend suggested trying it with bacon, Brussels sprouts and red onion. And I think I will play around with that some weekend very soon.

Here’s another meal prep recipe. Great for lunches SO delicious that I honestly didn’t want to stop eating it when I ran out!

https://lowcarbyum.com/bacon-cheddar-broccoli-salad/

Just sensational. I ended up omitting the onions. I honestly don’t enjoy onions enough for the carbs. Don’t skip the sunflower seeds though, because it’s a super tasty addition.

 

Another tasty hack is I will take some heavy cream dump it in my kitchen aide and add a box of sugar free jello pudding until it’s a desired thick tasty cream.

I’ve tried the Sugar free cheesecake and the sugar free pistachio. LOVED the pistachio most.

I am going to make it my goal to try at least 2 new recipes a week. So the soup was a recipe this week- guess I need another!

 

Me too

As a parent we somewhat martyrize ourselves.
Many times I’ve said “what happened was terrible and it still kills me inside- but I will take that any day rather than know my kids will”
I will do anything and everything in my power to stop them from being in the way of harm. It’s what parents did. It’s what all of our parents did before us as well. I think every decade or so the values change the “things we are trying to protect our babies From” change.
My perfect beautiful baby girl is almost 11.
I was 14 when what happened to me happened.
I am running out of time.
I look at her face and I see my own youth and innocence and I wonder why. I wonder how.
All these years later 20 years later it does not seem fair to me.
But I’m so glad. I’m so glad that I can tell my daughter. That instead of some news story she cannot relate to she understands that even these dark things happen to people like mommy.
How do I say it? Even my husband a very good man- really does not like to hear this story. It’s his wife. Part of the strength of his house. The woman he goes to for comfort, love and whatever else.

I posted “me too” on Facebook and for a moment I thought “oh gosh I should be embarrassed maybe I should not have posted that”
And I realized I shouldn’t be shamed. I shouldn’t be embarrassed. I’ve been far, far too long. The shame goes on others- or it should. Maybe they don’t live with the cloud of their actions over their heads like I do.
I’ve always quietly languished in this pain- opening up when I felt it was safe.
But at this point it’s of utmost importance that this opening up becomes not just when I feel comfortable. I need to find a way to be loud. To be honest. To try to heal others. To try to do everything in my power to make sure that I don’t raise a victim(though they may end up being so and I need to help them in that case too).
I need to raise my son and daughter both to know they don’t take a thing from another person that person doesn’t want to give. I need to raise them to defend themselves both physically and emotionally.
As you watch the number of people with the status of “me too” think about how you can fix it. What is your part?
I’m truly trying to figure out my own.
Looking at the News.. these abuses they do not discriminate.
Every strong sensational woman I see has her own story.
It’s time to change that story and have a real talk.
I’ll gladly take my pain- in thoughts I can stop that in anybody from hurting.

But let’s try. Let’s do what we can.
So that in 20 years. Our children aren’t on Facebook or it’s counterpart.

Posting “me too”

Update

So it’s been a while since I have posted. You know how sometimes you have too many passwords? I had too many! I couldn’t remember how to get into here.

Finally like a light switch went off in my head and here I am.

So I have taken myself out of Ketosis on a few occasions. Two being tailgates for football games- I do not feel bad about it. I enjoy this diet but there are times when you just want to live your life as you want to live it.

PLUS I cannot imagine tailgate beer without something more thank kale and heavy cream sitting in my belly.

I am losing some weight I guess. The scale still doesn’t show as much movement as I would like but that’s ok. I have also taken some HORRIBLE before and afters that looked almost like a before and before.

As usual the only real problem I have with this diet other than the fact I am not wearing a size 4 yet (COME ON IT’S BEEN LIKE SO LONG!) is that the boredom is a factor. So I have been searching around for some new recipes..

Below is a recipe I am VERY excited to try out next week.

I have a night out with a girlfriend tomorrow at a local brewery type place. ALL my favorite beers are dark and carby. I will take myself out of Ketosis tomorrow night and then I will be hard and heavy until Thanksgiving.

I am actually happy that as much as I love all holiday food it’s not totally necessary to me.

Slow Cooker Low Carb Zuppa Toscana Soup (Keto-Friendly)

Things I’ve eaten so far!

So here are a couple recipes I have tried and really enjoyed. I won’t post the recipes I didn’t like as I don’t feel that’s nice! Maybe I will post them after I have tweaked them enough to enjoy them. Honestly right now I pretty much “keep it simple” since my husband will not be following the keto lifestyle I kind of have to cook 2 meals. So easy peasy does it. Of course ONE nice thing is that all this Keto energy allows me to have times when I can cook all these different dishes for everybody and not feel overwhelmed or tired or put out. The energy right now is even better than the weight loss to me.

Ruled me is one of the first places I go to look for recipes. Not that there aren’t other good ones. Another thing I do is google the ingredients I have on hand and then “keto” and something always pops up.

 

So here are a few recipes I have used and enjoyed.

 

  1. https://www.ruled.me/eggplant-bacon-alfredo/

This recipe I did not alter at all- and let me tell you what it was amazing. Phenomenal. My son had it for dinner as well and he also loved it. Being a huge fan of eggplant I was happy to have a use for it.

I always try to “fix” recipes I enjoy. Make them perfect. Make them better. Sitting here thinking about it I cannot think of one thing I would do different. We’ll see the next time I make it. But so far 10/10 would eat again and again and again!

 

  1. https://www.ruled.me/low-carb-broccoli-cheddar-bacon-chowder/

I promise I don’t have a partnership with this website! I just found it very handy. THIS soup is AMAZING! Now- I think that I doctored this up a bit. But I can’t remember. Made a double batch and packed in containers for my lunches. THIS will be one I fall back on often- as the macros are VERY friendly to the keto diet. Also a 10/10 would eat again and again and again!

  1. https://healclinics.com/vanilla-cheesecake-fat-bombs/

Now I JUST made these over the weekend. But I can promise you- I will be making these weekly. I will also toy around with the recipe to stave off boredom. This last weekend I followed the exact recipe though. Also a 10/10 would eat again and again and again!

  1. http://stepawayfromthecarbs.com/buttery-shrimp-with-bacon/

REALLY so yummy. I added a little bit of wine at the end to deglaze the pan and then some heavy cream.

Next time I will add even MORE heavy cream as this recipe is so high in the protein that it can really mess up the keto macros. When I made this I put it over some Green Giant riced Cauliflower. Also a 10/10 would eat again and again and again!

Other than that I have a few hacks. Firstly, I put heavy cream in my coffee in the morning. I hated it. THEN I found some sugar free Torani syrup. That makes it ok.
Another hack AND THIS IS A BIG ONE!

I will sauté about 6 pieces of bacon, retrieve bacon with a slotted spoon and put between paper towels to crisp. At this point I add in some garlic. Sauté that for a bit. Maybe add butter- maybe add olive oil.

THEN I throw in either kale, spinach or collard greens. Basically whatever good green I have on hand. Cook till greens are desired level of wilted and viola. IF carbs allow it’s nice tossed with spaghetti squash. If not – it’s lovely on its own.

Another hack- always having avocados and cheese on hand. My football snacks used to be a lot different. Now- it’s a hunk of cheddar or brie.

I mix things up as I can- but again trying to cook somewhat differently for my family kind of limits me a bit!

Keto 3 weeks in

3 weeks’ in

 

So. I started all this on August 22nd. I was feeling just a bit chunky. I was feeling tired. I wasn’t really enjoying the way that I looked in or out of clothes.

Starting weight was 167.5. So now- I am 10 pounds down.

When I started this diet it was very poorly planned.

I pretty much existed on pork rinds and avocados and cheese and scratching my head.

The next week I got prepared a little better.

Early in I purchased some keto strips so I know I have stayed in Ketosis no matter my sadness at meals.

 

How “in” this diet am I right now? Well I just purchased coconut flour. I made my first fat bombs. Somehow I cannot BUY enough butter, bacon or heavy cream. I love bacon. More than most people and I have to confess that I thought about how my dinner was probably going to have some bacon in it- and wrinkled my nose. Lunch tomorrow will have bacon too. So will dinner.

I had to give avocados a break because I was bored of them. Is bacon the new avocado??!?!

I really actually need to get around to taking some before and after photos. It’s quite tough because I want to make sure that it’s appropriate! I AM a married lady- ya know!

I’ll get around to figuring something out.

The weight loss hasn’t been as dramatic as I had hoped. I need to work on less protein. I have extra calories every day just trying to balance out the macros. Carbs are no problem. But protein, man.

Anyways the idea for this blog is to just keep track of recipes I have tried- let you know what I think or even how I tweaked them to make them either fit macros better or be more palatable. Or just kind of jabber. I am good at jabber.